I had gone jogging through the park earlier then usual on that faithful spring morning. He was there sitting on a bench by the bike path. He had been reading the paper as I jogged by. I had never seen him before, but I usually jogged later in the morning, so I wasn’t surprised at seeing some one new. I finished my jog and went about my day as usual. The next day I started my day off in the usual way. Except I did go jogging earlier then my regular time once again for some reason, I could not name, I wanted to know if the man would be there in the park again.

He was and this time I stopped at the bench to tie my shoe, giving us a chance to say hello. We did and introduced ourselves, is name was Cal and we hit it off, we like the same movies, the same music, and the same kind of food. So he asked me out that Friday night. For months we enjoyed each other’s company. Maybe that is why I never saw the control issue start. His control over me happened so gradually at first, it was just the tiniest things.

One night we were going out to dinner, he was there to pick me up. I was dressed in my midnight blue dress with my gold loop earrings finishing off, my assemble. I opened the door to his waiting arms. After a wonderful long hug and kiss he followed me on into the house we still had a few minutes before or dinner reservation.

“Sweetheart you look so beautiful, tonight.” He said with a smile, “there’s only one thing that looks off. How fond are you of those earrings, because I think these would go with that dress so much better.” He had reached in his pocket and pulled out a small jewelry box, inside were crystal blue diamond stud earrings.

He was right, and oh, how sweet it was for him to buy me a gift. That was when it all begun, in the following months came more jewelry that he liked, or would look better with some outfit or another. After the jewelry came friends, clothes, nail polish, shoes, all with the explanation of it looking better or I bought this for you, my pants went tighter, my dresses slinkier. My shirts were lower cut.

I was eye candy exhibited for others, to state I have what you all want, but will never have. At parties I had to be at his side at all times, other then going to the ladies room. I had to be back within a certain amount of time. If I took too long we would leave the party, and I would be questioned. What was I doing? Who I was with? After six months after the first gift the accusations started.

If I was late coming home from work, I was with someone, if I didn’t answer the phone when he called I was talking to another man, the list went on and on. I could no longer wear my old clothes, after all he wanted me to be seen in that clothes he bought me, that was why he bought them was for me to wear, then he would turn around and accuse me of wearing the clothes for some other guy, I was parading myself around for other men.

He kept me hurt and confused, and worried about everything I said and did. If I smiled at some man that entered a restaurant he took me took, I wanted to sleep with him. Within the year my friends were gone, my family was put at a distance, my world revolved around him and only him. I didn’t smile anymore, I didn’t joke around with anyone, I was totally different with everyone.

Now it was time for the physical abuse as well, but in a way I’m glad it started. The first time he hit me across the face I woke up. I realized what was truly happening to me and what he truly was all about.

I don’t know how I lost my self-esteem, I was old enough I should have seen the signs. I’d been in bad relationships before and had always seen the signs right off, and ended them. Why was this one so different? I still ask myself those same questions.

This is the only answer I came up with; I thought he was exactly what I had wanted in a man. I was in love and I was blind to everything, I had to get hit literally for me to wake up.

Thank God most men don’t have the finesse and the patience to go so slow. I now look at every guy I date, through wiser eyes. If I even see one sign of them wanting control of me they are history. I pay attention to what the man says and how he says it. I’ve ran into to a lot more men like Cal, but the minute they want to tell me how fast I can drive, I leave them in the dust. I no longer take out my earrings to replace them with their gift, I thank them for the gift and let them know I will wear them the next time we go out, then put it to the side and keep wearing what I have already chose to wear that night. Then I watch and see what his reaction to me not wearing it right away is.

Small signs and a man’s attitude can tell you a lot. Learn to look for the signs and his temper if you pull the unexpected.

By Janeal Mulaney

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