Women Helping Women in Addictions
Parenting Children
Becoming an Effective Step Parent
Jul 29th
Today’s family portrait is just as likely to display a blended family as a nuclear family. However, with over 75% of adults with children remarrying and 60% of those marriages ending in divorce, mostly because of the children, indicates that something is desperately wrong. Perhaps The Brady Bunch gave us a false impression of a blended family.
Blended families today vary widely but what is most common between them is difficulty blending. To be an effective step parent involves a lot of hard work, time, prayer and to be frank, disappointments. The following are a few good tips for starting off down the right path:
1. Just because you are now married does not mean your new spouse should be given automatic rights to discipline your children. Most often, this is the start of family turmoil. The children should only be disciplined by their biological parent. The non-biological parent should serve as support to their spouse. Private conversations between the husband and wife regarding house rules and discipline should occur and agreed upon very early on. They should be shared and followed through with all of the children so they know what to expect, which diminishes feelings of resentment.
2. Spend time with your own children separately. This is especially important in the beginning. It will bring much needed comfort and security to your children. They need to know that they are still a priority in your life. It is very important that separate time with your children is carefully balanced so they don’t become confused about the union of their new family. As for family time, be sure to regularly plan outings and family time together, which fosters the blending process. Make sure these times are used for enjoying one another and bonding, instead of reprimanding for last weeks misbehavior.
3. Do not compete with the parental role of the same sex biological parent. The child needs to know that their step-parent is an addition to their life, not a replacement of their same sex biological parent. Encourage their love and loyalty to the absent biological parent.
4. Lower your expectations. Even after many years, in contrast to nuclear families, most blended families lack family cohesiveness. By Emma Cook
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Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Emma_Cook |
Mother and Daughter Relationships
Jul 20th
Mother Daughter Bond
Even before the birth of a daughter a mother is creating something special – a mother and daughter relationship. There is a transformation taking place between the mother and the child throughout her nine months of pregnancy. The maternal bonding starts to develop during the nine months of pregnancy and forming a special bond with her unborn child. The bonding chemistry is like no other bond or relationship a woman has ever experienced, it is a miracle of life she has brought forth in this world, and one she will always be connected with. A mother is not thinking how she can have a mother and daughter relationship, it happens instinctively. The mother produces a bonding chemistry known as oxytocin which is produced during lactation. The oxytocin chemical produced by the mother reduces anxiety with mom and child. A mother’s subconscious behavior to nurture her child is natural, and what emotions she has are stronger than words can express. After the birth of the child the special bond continues and develops emotionally and physically. The bonding chemistry is forming through all the senses of smell, touch, verbal and non-verbal cues, and taste. These precious moments are internalized by both mother and daughter, therefor the mother and daughter relationships forms.
A mother and daughter relationship is different than a mother and son relationship in that her purpose is to guide her daughter into becoming a woman. Daughter’s need a mother’s guidance and support in friendships, how to choose friends, and how to be a friend. In teaching her daughter in becoming a woman she passes on the joys of having a family and about love. If any of these components are missing from a healthy mother and daughter relationship then it becomes a dysfunctional mother and daughter relationship.
When you are young you idolize your mother, she is a goddess. You have dress up days where you are trying on her lipstick, jewelry, and heels. As you grow, your thoughts are to be just like mommy a wife, mother, or follow her working career. A daughter follows her mother’s cues, if she bakes – daughter wants to bake, if she is on the computer or on the phone – she mimics mom’s behavior. A daughter is forming her own interpretations of her mom in how she see’s her mom on a day by day basis.
Then it all comes to an eruption at age thirteen, when mom becomes the most ignorant and out of touch with the world. The daughter can’t get away fast enough from her mother, and the distancing begins. The hormones change, and the daughter who idolized her mom is embarrassed of mom’s dress, car, and mom’s whole presence. The young teen is wanting her space, wanting to become her own person. As she begins to grow up she will display displeasure in anything said or done by her mother and father. Most daughters turn against their mother’s and retaliate if any rules are put upon them. This behavior creates friction in the mother and daughter relationship for the duration of her teens and usually changes in her twenties.
It is very common for mother’s to misunderstand their daughters behavior. Mother’s may take it personal and not take into consideration of the biological changes that her daughter is going through. During the daughters rebellious stage things can be said, by the parents, out of pure frustrations. Because of the lack of awareness the parents criticism can affect the child’s self-worth. The parents will need to take the stance in their approach in narrowing the distance between mother and daughter. When there is not an understanding between both parties the disagreements, perspectives, and beliefs will carry into adulthood and continue their animosity for each other. However, some relationships miraculously change when the daughter is in her twenties and thirties, and another phase of mother and daughter relationship takes place.
If a woman does not heal her relationship with her mother she then will carry on the destruction in her own mother and daughter relationship. It is never too late to make amends, forgive, or just let go of the past to heal your relationship with your mother.
Children Night Terrors!
May 7th
I have a soft spot in my heart for parents who are trying to find the answers for their children and their “Night Terrors”. I too was a parent of a nine year old child suffering from night terrors from the age of nine to twelve years of age. The night terrors started slowly from 5-10 minutes long then increased to 15-30 minutes each episode, sometimes two night terrors a night. The night terrors persist one to three times a week, the minutes per episode also increased to 20-30 minutes.
It started with nightmare symptoms, waking up screaming, saying a monster was chasing him, My routine would be to lie in bed with him talking and cuddling him back to sleep. The nightmares started to change to night terrors, he could not be comforted any longer. He would be wide eyed, jump out of bed and walk around the room mumbling on “get away, stop, go away”. Then there would be nights he would not speak, just cry and cry. He would have no recollection of his night terrors. During the earlier stages of his night terrors he had no recollections but the last stages of his night terrors he was beginning to have some memory with a sense of fear.
It was the last year of his night terrors which became more frightening to me because of his symptoms and the duration of his night terrors. His terrors would last 30 minutes, he was extremely agitated and verbal during the episodes. Many of his episodes had a look of fear and panic, and he let out a ‘blood curdling scream’, “YOU CAN’T HAVE ME”. His screams never changed “Someone is after me- I have to get away from him- you don’t understand- he can’t have me”. He would be screaming this over and over, and when asked who was after him, his reply would be “You don’t understand – I don’t want to die”. By then he was walking faster and faster from one end of the hallway to the other back and forth, as though he was running from someone. He would run throughout the house yelling, screaming “I am not ready to die”.
I would try to comfort him by holding him, his heart rate was rapid it seemed as thought his heart could jump out. He would be sweating profusely, fidgeting trying to get free from me, and yelling “he is after me, I have to get away”. He panic with fear, screaming, sweating, and walking throughout the house a full 20-30 minutes. I would be helpless, crying and just trying to comfort my son in helping him out of these night terrors.
My worst night terror experience was seeing my little boy tucked into the corner crying and screaming “I can’t take this any longer, I can’t take this any longer”. I had tried numerous times to get him to a doctor, and counselling. He would lock himself into the bathroom, and refuse therapy of any sort. He would say over and over “I am not crazy”.
It was soon after my becoming a hypnotherapist, that I had my son have a session with my instructor. It was not until after his two hour session that my son was completely rid of his Night Terrors. My son is a healthy young man today with only one side affect from his years of Night Terrors. He has difficulty sleeping in his bedroom, he usually sleeps in the front room with the television on. He is now living on his own working and going to school for his degree in computer drafting design -Night Terror Free.
Night Terrors in Adults and Children
May 6th
Night terrors in adults and children are interrupted sleep cycle of fear and panic. Night terrors, also known as sleep terrors, are not nightmares. The difference between nightmares and night terrors is that the nightmare occurs mainly during REM sleep and the night terror happens during non-REM sleep, usually after the first hour going to sleep. Most nightmares and dreams happen during the latter part of the sleep cycle.
Night terror symptoms in adults and children are similar, the person wakes up in a state of fear and agitation. Night terrors also known as sleep terrors can last 15 to 30 minutes. Usually the person has no knowledge of the night terror episode, however, others have reported from memory their night terrors.
Night Terrors are sleep disorders which affect adults, children and adolescents in different ways. Some adolescents grow out of night terrors as others will endure them most of their lives. Research studies stress that adult night terrors are less common than in children night terrors. There seems to be a large community of adults, suffering from night terrors, who would differ with the studies. Many adults are using the websites for support and help for finding answers in stopping their night terrors. Many of them have not sought professional help due to their embarrassment and not wanting to be labeled as crazy.
Adults and their family members report mild to extreme symptoms during night terror episodes. Besides symptoms of sweating, rapid heart rate, scared, confused, panicky, screaming, and crying some have night terror accidents. Night terror accidents range from bruises and cuts to jumping out of windows, breaking limbs, and other injuries while experiencing a night terror.
Night terror sufferers are looking at the triggers that may bring on their episodes. Triggers are bedtime schedules, over-tiredness, sleeping patterns, meals, drinking, stress, and other lifestyle changes. Some adults have sought psychotherapy, and other professional help and found the night terror episodes at a decline. Others have looked into homeopathy and other alternative therapies for the answers. I myself have found hypnotherapy as the answer in stopping my son’s night terrors.
Parenting and Addiction
Apr 15th
An article I wrote “Mother’s Heroin Addiction” about Lisa Ling’s interview “Heroin in the Heartland” depicted a young mother addicted to heroin. Mary is five months pregnant and a mother of a four year old daughter. Although Mary’s mother has custody of her daughter, addiction has been a culprit before Mary’s daughter’s birth. Mary used heroin the duration of her pregnancy with her daughter as she is now with her unborn child.
Many addicts will argue the fact that they are good mothers, love their children, and parent well. No matter what the drug of choice is, how much the addict uses, or if the children are or are not present during the mothers drug spree – children are definitely affected psychologically and physiologically with their mother’s addiction.
The Webster’s definition of parent is one that brings up offspring, and mother is female parent who cherish and protect. The definition of addict is one who is psychologically and physiologically dependent on a drug. Is this not ironic the mother who is psychologically and physiologically dependent on the drug is simultaneously giving the drug to her child weather it be directly through birth and/or psychologically. What part of this definition means an addicted parent cherishes and protects a child.
When parents, family, and friends respond, “The children were not affected by their parents addiction, their honor students, varsity football stars, cheerleaders, and high achievers” – they are very much in denial. The affects of addiction will surface among children in different stages and time lines far into the individuals adulthood. The future families of tomorrow will be affected by their parents and grandparents addiction.